Personality

It’s been such a crazy week. Lots of classes, lots of homework, and worst of all, not much sleep, which is leaving me terribly tired right now. I plan on crashing out as soon as I’m done writing this blog entry.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about personality and how despite the fact I’m a very outgoing guy and I have a rather shy persona. I often am very reserved in terms of going after things that I have an interest in. It seems that this personality trait can really come back to bite me a lot, especially in the past few years. A friend was talking to me, and he seemed to point in on the fact that I’m not very aggressive or assertive. I generally just float on by and hope things work out for the best. It wouldn’t be an understatement to state that I don’t think things have worked out for the best, now or pretty much ever, while using this strategy.

I really should be more assertive and aggressive when it comes to some things, but it seems so foreign for me that I just can’t get comfortable in situations like that and to try and do otherwise just makes me feel out of place. However, I think if the way things are now isn’t working, I do need to change somehow…

Japanese people live in Japan?

So, A few weeks back, things got pretty bad. I was pretty torn up, and I really wanted to go home. I felt like my social network had pretty much collapsed on me, I was homesick like crazy, and I just was having a pretty miserable time. However, I underestimated my optimism and extroverted personality, because before long, I had suddenly made a handful of really awesome new friends, gotten a little bit more involved, and realized that things weren’t nearly as bad as I thought they were. I’m so glad things have worked out like this.. It’s back to the point where I don’t want to go home again… however, I do gotta say, It’s weird, the status Japan is for me… There’s really nothing in this country binding me to it, except the (mostly foreigner) friends I have here, and the language. My last class on Friday is a class with only foreigners, so it’s all Chinese, Korean, and other Asian students in it. We’re all around the same level of Japanese (Except they’re much better at Kanji…) so its easy to talk to them, they don’t really use words I don’t know, I don’t use words they don’t know, and we can express just about every concept we want to each other without any real problems… The whole weekend, I spoke Japanese, but again, only with the international students (many of them don’t speak English) by the time Monday afternoon rolled around I met a Japanese person, and had to stop myself from asking them where they were from… It had totally slipped my mind that Japanese people even lived here….in Japan.

I really wish I had more than three months left here… if I had more, it would make everything much more convenient.. So many new opportunities have presented themselves lately, but I feel like perhaps I’m being held back by the amount of time I have here…

Everybody wake up, it’s time to get down–’Goldenweek Style’

So, the past few days have been rather crazy. Several awesome days of clubbing behind me, and several awesome days at Izakayas. First off, Whitney’s friend Karen came into town, she’s actually a student at NGU, which is one of the Universities which is actually partnered with my university as well. Anyways, the first night she was in town, everyone went out to an Izakaya in Shinjuku called Yamato. It’s a small bar, but its got three floors which gives it a lot of space. It was Whitney, Karen, Jackie, Me, Seba, Jiyoung, and Alessio. We ordered a shitload of food and a shitload of drinks, but Karen was putting down drinks like nobody’s business. She had 5 or 6 Umeshu drinks by the time we had finished half of our second beer.

We were having good conversation, and Whitney and Karen started singing Hakuna Matata, from Lion King. Alessio and Seba joined in, but in their native languages, which just sounded strange to us Americans. We brought up the question of the Japanese lyrics, and since everyone in Japan loves disney, the best way to find out would be to talk to random people. So we started talking with people at random tables, and pretty soon we were all spread out across the bar at different tables chatting up the random Japanese people. After about an hour though, it was time for us to go, and we headed home on the last train.

So then we went home and slept off our hangovers in time to go out for Makoto’s Birthday. Makoto is one of the students coming to BGSU next year as an Exchange student, he’s also one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. We wanted to bring his 22nd birthday in with style, so we went to a lounge-club named Microcosmos in Shibuya. We had a group of 20+ people, most of whom had already previously been drinking. The club itself wasn’t very big, which meant that most of the people there were somehow related to our group. This relationship between everyone made it really easy to make conversation with people, because for the most part, you had at least one common friend so no one was complete strangers. The night went fast, as it always does when Ryotaro is there. We started taking shots quickly and in rapid succession. It wasn’t long before I was 10 shots in and 4 mixed drinks. But everyone was pretty gone and it was really good to get my mind of things. There were tons of really cute girls there as well, which was really nice, By about 3:20, Alessio and Karen wanted to go to another club, so all the exchange students was getting ready to leave, but the next thing I knew, everyone except Peter was gone, and had left the two of us there with our Japanese friends. After 40 minutes of crazy dancing and tons of beautiful girls on the dance floor, all the exchange students filtered back in–the club they had gone too really sucked, so they came back to Microcosmos. By the end of the night, I had met several really nice girls (and traded phone numbers with 5 of them~) and Me and Peter finally headed out because everyone had left us there… again. It was the first time I had been drunk in a really long time–it might not seem like it, but I generally drink really slowly and try not to pass my limit. But it was really nice to just let go for a night and be free… and it paid off, I think =) The next morning I woke up with 4 text messages all from girls I had met that night saying how we should go out clubbing again sometime in the future. Already have made plans to go out next week. Pretty excited.

The next day, again, we slept off our hangovers and we went out with my friend Naoko to several places in Tokyo that she recommended us to see. First was Sugamo, then we went to Tsukijima. We met up with Naoko at Toda-Koen, where she lives, and dropped by her friends house to see a little shine they had set up for Kodomo no Hi (Children’s Day) It was very traditional, and after a cup of tea, we headed out for Sugamo. On the way, Naoko described Sugamo as the ‘Harajuku’ for Obaasan’s. Harajuku is one of the centers of Japanese fashion and underground counterculture styles.

I don’t wanna see Old ladies wearing maid outfits, etc.

Luckily, that’s not what it was.. she meant it was an area with lots of shopping–which there was. It was nice, we stopped by a temple and got our fortunes, Prayed, and I donated a little bit of money to a monk who did a chant for me, then I bought a ‘happiness’ dango for a statue. (Dango are three little dough balls on a stick covered with a sauce.. very tasty). So My fortune was ‘little bit of luck’ with some average luck and a few barely better than average categories. I still tied it onto the bad-luck-get-rid-of-branch. We headed out to Tsukijima next, which was nice, I had been there before back in mid March with Kayoko, the girl I met in Korea. It’s a nice area, I didn’t remember that we had been there before, so I felt kinda bad, but still, we went and got some Monjya which is a famous dish from Tokyo. Very tasty, and not very expensive. Had a good time seeing Naoko again, I’ve not hung out with her very often, as she’s already graduated, so she’s not around Saitama very much anymore, and she works a lot. She’s already returned to her hometown in order to get ready to move back to BGSU for next year. (which will be a blast~)

And that was the end of golden week. I’ll update about clubbing that happened tonight some other time. It’s already late and I’m tired. Blargh…

Helpless Rain

中島美嘉

遠い空の上　響く雷鳴に震えてる
あの手のぬくもり　記憶
糸手繰る午前二時

今も　目を閉じて
あなたの背中を見つけるけど
追えば消えるのはなぜ?
触れたい　今すぐに
指も髪も

その胸の海で溺れても　強く
抱かれたい　壊されたい
願いは叶わず　夢でも逢えず
濡らして…涙

窓の外は雨…無情に痛み刻み込む
残された写真　手紙
胸騒ぐ夜を憂う

一人　彷徨って あなたに想い募らせる度
時が止まるのはなぜ?
キスして　もう一度
嘘でもいい

絶望と希望　永遠に揺れる
現実と夢、幻…
あなたなしで今、生きられない
助けて…涙

今も　目を閉じて
あなたの背中を見つけるけど
追えば消えるのはなぜ?
触れたい　今すぐに
指も髪も

その胸の海で溺れても　強く
抱かれたい　壊されたい
願いは叶わず　夢でも逢えず
濡らして…涙

嘘でもいい

絶望と希望　永遠に揺れる
現実と夢、幻…
あなたなしで今、生きられない
助けて…涙

…

嘘でもいいよ…

So, Tonight was a busy night. I went to Lawson today and saw Yumi Sato, so I chatted with her for about an hour before she decided she had to get back to studying. It was good to talk about random things–none of this heavy stuff for a change. Afterwards, I headed home and just laid around for a bit, before getting a message from Alessio asking about Beplant tonight. He wanted to meet up there at about 9:30, so I decided to head out at about 9:15, getting me there at about 9:20. I sat around for a bit, but people didn’t show up for quite a while. Alessio finally came over, and we both ordered a beer. One by one, people showed up and we ended up ordering a bottle of whiskey. Idk what Seba says, Whiskey is always gross. No matter what kind it is. Afterwards we decided we weren’t going to end up going to karaoke, and that we were instead going to head back to my room for a bit of drinking. Whitney and her friend Karen, along with Hiromi decided that they weren’t going to come over, so it was just the three Swedes, Alessio, Jiyoung and Myself. We talked a bit of politics. Eventually everyone filtered out until it was just Carl left over. We hung out for a bit before heading off to 7-11 for some breakfast, then he eventually went to bed.

Things didn’t change much though from before. The situation hasn’t changed from what it was before though.

—

This Mika Nakashima song pretty much sums up my feelings right now. Blarg.

Slightly off topic, but too important to not post.

下に、日本語版があります。
아래로, 한국어판이 있습니다.

In 2005 my Grandfather passed away from complications of Alzheimer’s Disease. He suffered from the disease for many years before losing his battle with it. It was a very painful progression to watch, and since his diagnosis my family has been active in supporting the Alzheimer’s Association and related causes.

Four years ago my family began participating in local Alzheimer’s Memory Walks. The first year we raised over $1,400. We immediately decided we wanted to aim higher for the next year and set our goal at a lofty $10,000. We fell short, but still reached a total of $2,400. Last year was a good year, but we still didn’t reach $10,000. We’re still aiming for that mark.

I sent this link to ask if you might be able to contribute to our goal or our personal mission as a family. I realize you are all probably busy and may give to other causes, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. Anything at all would be greatly appreciated, be it the donation of money or simply words of encouragement for my family and those who support us. Whatever the case, please know that we appreciate your support.

This year, I will not be able to join in the Alzheimer’s Memory walk, as I will still be in Japan when the walk takes place, so this year, I would like to support my family as much as possible.

Thank you again, so very much.

http://memorywalk2010.kintera.org/columbus/chimie45

日本語：

2005年に、私の祖父は、アルツハイマー病の合併症から亡くなりました。彼の戦いを失う前に、彼は、何年間も病気に苦しみました。彼の診断以来、私の家族はAlzheimer’s Associatonを支持しています。4年前に、私の家族は、「Alzheimer’s Memory Walks」に参加し始めました。

初年度の間、私の家族はチャリティーのために1,400ドルのドルを集めました。その次の年のゴールは、1万ドルの私たちの目標をしました。 私たちは、それゴールのお金を増やすことができませんでしたが、合計2,400ドルに達しました。昨年、再試行しましたが、私たちはまだ1万ドルに達していませんでした。
私たちはまだそのマークを目指しています。

私は、あなたが家族として私たちの目標か私たちの個人的な任務に貢献できるかどうか尋ねるためにこのリンクを送りました。皆さんが、たぶん忙しいとわかって、他の原因に与えるかもしれませんが、私は、尋ねてもよいのを計算しました。とにかく何でもよろしくお願いします、私の家族と私たちを支持する人に対するお金の寄付か単に奨励の単語であることにかかわらず。私たちがご支援に感謝するのを知ってください。

すみません、私には、警護が本当に難しいので、私はインターネットから助けを使用しました。（笑）

今年、私は、「Alzheimer’s Memory Walk」に参加できないでしょう、散歩が行われるとき、私がまだ日本にいるときです。それで、今年、できるだけ一家の暮らしを立てたいと思います。

本当に、ありがとうございました。

http://memorywalk2010.kintera.org/columbus/chimie45

한국어:

2005년에, 나의 할아버지는, 알츠하이머병의 합병증으로 돌아가셨습니다. 그의 싸움을 잃기 전에, 그는, 몇년간이나 병으로 고생했습니다. 그의 진단이래, 나의 가족은 Alzheimer”s Associaton을 지지하고 있습니다. 4년전에, 나의 가족은, 「Alzheimer”s Memory Walks」에 참가하기 시작했습니다.

초년도의 사이, 나의 가족은 자선을 위해서 1, 400달러의 달러를 모았습니다. 그 다음 해의 골은, 1만달러의 우리들의 목표를 했습니다. 우리들은, 그것 골의 돈을 늘릴 수 없었습니다만, 합계2, 400달러에 달했습니다. 작년, 재시행했습니다만, 우리들은 아직 1만달러에 이르고 있지 않았습니다.
우리들은 아직 그 마크를 목표로 삼고 있습니다.

나는, 당신이 가족으로서 우리들의 목표인가 우리들이 개인적인 임무에 공헌할 수 있는 것인가 아닌가 방문하기 위해서 이 링크를 보냈습니다. 여러분이, 아마 바쁘다고 알고, 다른 원인에 줄지도 모르겠습니다만, 나는, 물어도 좋은 것을 계산했습니다. 어쨌든 무엇이든지 잘 부탁합니다, 나의 가족과 우리들을 지지하는 사람에게 대한 돈의 기부인가 단지 장려의 단어인 것에 관계 없이. 우리들이 지원에 감사하는 것을 알아 주십시오.

미안합니다, 나에게는, 경호가 정말로 어려우므로, 나는 인터넷으로 도움을 사용했습니다. （웃음）

올해, 나는, 「Alzheimer”s Memory Walk」에 참가할 수 없지요, 산보가 행하여질 때, 내가 아직 일본에 있을 때입니다. 그래서, 올해, 될 수 있는한 일가의 생계를 꾸리고 싶습니다.

정말로, 고마웠습니다.

http://memorywalk2010.kintera.org/columbus/chimie45

They have sayings about things like this, but I just don’t know any.

Fleetwood Mac works too.

[Lyrics]

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It’s only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Players only love you when they’re playing
Say, women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you’ll know

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It’s only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you’d like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost
And what you had
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it’s raining
Players only love you when they’re playing
Say, women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean you’ll know

You’ll know
You will know
You’ll know…

I wanna g-g-g-g-get awaaaaaayyy from here!

To say this last week has been disappointing would be an understatement, but again, Its not like I didn’t know this would happen all along, just somewhere down in side I kinda hoped I would prove myself wrong or whatnot. But I guess I actually am still young and naive, haha. Which is kinda ironic. I talked with my father about this whole situation a few weeks ago when the troubles first started up. It’s funny how much wisdom those parent types have on things like this.

*Note to the younger readers: your parents are almost always right, listen to them; They know what they’re talking about. They’ve been in the situation before.*

(P.S. Stay tuned for the rest of the post after the lyric jump~ Oh, but please, please, read the oh ever so pleasing lyrics.)

(P.P.S. And well, I mean, I guess it’s all kinda interesting because I know who reads this blog.)

La la la la la la la la la la~
I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
When she came over I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I’m being used
But that’s okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she’s playing with me
But that’s okay cause I’ve got no self esteem

Oh way-o, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah

We make plans go out at night
I wait till two then I turn out the light
this rejection’s got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

Oh way-o, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah

When she’s saying, oh that she wants me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she saying, oh that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can stand
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right? Yeah!

Now I’ll relay this little bit
It happens more than I’d like to admit
Late at night, she knocks on my door
She’s drunk again and, looking to score
Oh, I know, I should say no, but
It’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb, but I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

Oh way-o, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah
Ohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah

When she’s saying, oh that she wants me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she’s saying, oh that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care
Right? Yeah!

To be honest, listening to this song makes me just feel a whole lot better. A whole whole whole lot.

Anyways, Next week is Golden Week. I wanted to go see the Ocean and go to an Onsen with Moon, but I guess that’s pretty much out of the question now lol. Anyways, Naoko, Jiyoung, Seba and I are all free during Golden week, as Seba and Jiyoung’s plans fell through, so we’re thinking about just renting a car and driving somewhere. It’ll be good to get away and just relax with my best friends. (Seriously, the three of them have been fucking amazing these past two/three weeks when I’ve basically been a whiny little bitch[Sorry guys]–I owe them a lot. You’re all getting seriously amazing gifts sometime soon.) No matter what happens in terms of Golden week, I’m going somewhere.

Sunday night I got home from a bit of drinking and discussion and got on Facebook at about 6 or 7am. Not the normal time for me to get on Facebook, but with the 14 hour time difference between BG and Saitama, it’s 5 or 6pm in the States, so I suddenly had 100+ friends online on Facebook (which is something I’ve not seen in a long time). I suddenly got a huge influx of messages from friends I’ve not seen in a while, and I messaged a few of my BFFs I needed to talk to just to vent and clear my head a bit. My Mom got online just by chance, and well, Just even seeing her name caused me to get so homesick I felt like I had been re-punched in the gut. I sent her a message, but decided to call her on Skype instead. The moment I heard her voice, I just fucking cracked and started bawling my eyes out. Just all the shit that’s built up over the past few weeks finally all came exploding out of me. I feel bad, I know it’s not something any mother wants to hear, having something like that happen to their baby child when they’re 7500 miles away. I kinda jokingly said I wish I could get a plane ticket home for Golden week (which is next week, btw) so I could come home and just be in my own existence for a while. Much to my surprise, although it shouldn’t have been, the first thing out of my mother’s mouth was to ask how much a ticket cost. I guess when a mother is needed, mother’s don’t fuck around. God bless my Mother, I love that woman more than words can express.

It’s been a long time since I felt like this, and lets just say, it’s not a feeling I missed.

A little blue.

My life has been such a roller coaster lately, it’s really starting to get to me. I’ve just been really depressed again lately, which I guess shouldn’t surprise me.

I mean, I guess there are quite a few reasons for my foul mood lately, First off, it’s rained 10 out of the past 12 days. I don’t know if I’m depressed because of the weather, or the weather sucks because I’m depressed. I’d say it’s a little of both.. Theres a lot of fractionalization going on within the group of people here, which again, shouldn’t surprise me, but still, it really has been bothering me. People talking behind other people’s back and what not, I feel like the same shit that happened Freshman year, the same problems, drama, issues, are all coming back up again. The same old shit that always happens. I can’t help but think it’s my fault too, which to be honest, it most likely is… it was last time, so I can’t help but think it is this time as well. Last time when this happened though, when I fell into my worst, I found a person who was just what I needed to pick me up. I thought I had that here as well, this time around, but I think I might have been mistaken. A combination of all of these efforts, piled up on my history, along with the added stress of harder classes this semester, work that eats my soul, tighter finances, and well, you know. These factors all have just given me a even greater urge to want to go back to the USA. I want to get out of this country–don’t get me wrong, I still <3 Japan, I just can't take some of the shit that is going on here at this school any longer.

This title is more unique than the sum of the Japanese population.

Work lately has been rather drab, I mean, again, it’s not hard work, and it’s not that it doesn’t have it’s fun parts, it just seems to be interfering with my life more than it did last semester. Last semester there was the occasional party or dinner at 8:00 or something, which I generally would make it to just a bit late, but recently it seems I’ve been unable to go to events on a several-times a week basis. Which is rather annoying. Again, I have to work, and I have a great job, so I can’t really complain much, but you know, it does get frustrating–thus why I’m ranting.

Now, I don’t wanna get off on a rant here, but a friend of mine asked a question the other day about my opinion of Japan/Japanese people. I wasn’t going to say anything at first, but after a moment, I felt the need to express what has built up inside me for the past few months. To me, the Japanese are people who overwork while aiming at an underachieving goal. I don’t know how many people here at Saitama when asked what they want to do when they get out of college is “Work at a job”. Their life goal is to enter a company by the time they’re 23 or 24, and work there until they retire. It’s a group of people who are content with being one out of many, having no individuality at all. Even in their most obvious self-expression–fashion; hair styles, clothing, way of dress–while it is ‘unique’ it’s the same fashion every other person in Japan is wearing. Every guy has gel in his wild hair, same style of clothing. Every girl wearing a skirt with black leggings with the same frilly shirts.

Its no wonder Japanese are often so racist and forbidding to outsiders, Whites, Blacks, Hispanics even other Asians can never blend in–they can never be one out of a million, therefore they can never be Japanese.

This post led to a small discussion with a friend who had spent time in Japan as well, and we contemplated Japan and it’s pitfalls–

—

your response to [the] question was dead on! I totally agree with you on all of that. All of that stuff infuriated me while I was there, and STILL infuriates me. Also, Japanese guys treat their girlfriends like shit… And everytime I tried to bring any of that up to a japanese person they would get angry and defensive and say that America has a lot of problems too, or blamed it on their ‘tradition’ or ‘culture’. Cheap excuse. It was frustrating.

—
Every Japanese girl I know says they hate how Japanese guys treat them but there just isn’t anyone else to be with. That’s why foreigners are so popular. [With Japanese girls]

Another huge problem is the racism. I have lots of friends here who were born in Japan, they only speak Japanese, they’ve never been out of the country, in many cases neither have their parents, and they’re required to get a new alien ID every 4 years. Just because their grandmother or something was Korean. If any of your relatives wasn’t 100% Japanese, you’re not Japanese. I know several people who fit this situation exactly. They have a passport for a country they’ve never been to. They can’t even read the writing on the passport.

This country is infuriating. I mean, I love the language, I for the most part like the people, but the culture blows. I also dislike the rose colored glasses everyone in America is wearing about Japan. They think it’s a magical land of Anime funtime and chopstick Sushi.
—

I felt this was a topic I felt strongly about, so I figured I’d post it here.

Today

Is going to be a good day. =)